You weren’t responding to emails so I tracked down your number so I can text you. Hope you don’t mind!

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Sun May 21 23:43:30 +0000 2023

Gentle reminder: When I said we had a Zoom meeting Monday at noon, I meant Monday noon where I am. Domo Arigatou!

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Sun May 21 23:45:16 +0000 2023

Please note, before we approve your plan to digitally-tag students on study abroad, we need three competitive bids from approved vendors.

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Sun May 21 00:59:25 +0000 2023

I know you were surprised to see him walk at graduation, but his father gave us three hundred-thousand reasons to re-examine your judgment. Your academic integrity isn’t worth that much.

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Sun May 21 01:00:52 +0000 2023

Trust your judgment? You spent 8 years getting a humanities PhD! 😂😂😂

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Tue May 16 15:25:49 +0000 2023

Thanks for asking about how to succeed on the Admin Track. Our last three deans have been a bouncer in London, a deputy sheriff in South Georgia, and a corrections officer in Texas. Does that help?

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Tue May 16 15:26:38 +0000 2023

Yes we all assumed the chancellor was a ‘rubber stamp’ in this process. Evidently he didn’t get *that* memo.

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Tue May 16 15:27:32 +0000 2023

Let’s relitigate the university strategic plan before we adopt it. We’ve only spent four years developing it, so we want to make sure everyone gets a chance to have input.

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Tue May 16 15:29:42 +0000 2023

You left Twitter in protest, but no one noticed til you reminded people on Twitter that you left Twitter in protest.

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Tue May 16 16:29:31 +0000 2023

The chancellor just turned 90. Monday is my day to make sure he doesn’t go off unattended and make any promises.

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Mon May 15 11:50:31 +0000 2023

The provost took the faculty senate proposal to increase faculty engagement and oversight of athletics to the Board of Regents. The Regents are still laughing.

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Mon May 15 11:51:40 +0000 2023

An empty Uber pulled up to the administration building and the faculty senate got out.

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Mon May 15 11:52:08 +0000 2023

Even if you do identify as a Mother because you have ‘fur babies,’ you can’t use maternity leave to adopt a new Chihuahua.

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Mon May 15 11:52:42 +0000 2023

Our new faculty recruitment strategy is to recruit liberal faculty from red states who are OK with taking a pay cut in terms of real disposable income and willing to pay more in taxes to escape their red state oppression.

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Mon May 15 14:15:57 +0000 2023

I stand corrected! Many of you have pointed out you can’t afford a house as a faculty member living in blue states so you don’t pay as much in taxes!

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Mon May 15 17:03:36 +0000 2023

Admin 101: Never let your lack of experience or empirical evidence get in the way of your certainty about the right course of action for the college.

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Sat May 13 17:02:21 +0000 2023

Reminder, you must wear pants with graduation regalia. Please don’t embarrass the college again!

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Sat May 13 19:17:58 +0000 2023

We are pleased to announce our experiment with beer sales during graduation was a great success. The college made money on $12 beers and there was only one incident. Since it involved an Econ professor and his PhD student, we really can’t blame the alcohol.

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Sat May 13 20:15:49 +0000 2023

You’ll be happy to know that our college IT staff is just as user friendly IRL.

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Thu May 11 13:55:16 +0000 2023

Don’t agonize over your grading, I am going to change your grades anyway.

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Thu May 11 19:36:33 +0000 2023

How sweet! You thought your student was telling the truth when he said your class was the only one he needed to graduate!

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Thu May 11 23:27:40 +0000 2023

Crisis averted! We convinced our regents and state legislature that our DEI efforts were completely ineffective and only really served as window dressing. We can continue as before!

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Fri May 12 01:14:38 +0000 2023

What do you mean, you didn’t know that we employed a “creative services manager” in the college? Who do you think drafts all of those interminably long emails that are ostensibly from me?

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Fri May 12 02:58:06 +0000 2023

The former senator took over as chancellor on May the 4th? He immediately killed the Justice, Equity, Diversity and Inclusion advisory council.

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Tue May 09 11:00:48 +0000 2023

This month’s meeting will be on zoom because I am working remotely. Last month, I was on-campus but you were working remotely so we met in-person. We just can’t accommodate every request for a virtual meeting. What about this is hard to understand?

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Wed May 10 01:26:13 +0000 2023

We spoke to the regents. They said ‘yes’ to swords at commencement, ‘no’ to hereditary faculty lines.

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Sun May 07 10:29:43 +0000 2023

Why are you so worried about the state legislature doing away with tenure? Do you know how hard it is to fire anyone who works for state government?

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Sun May 07 19:47:03 +0000 2023

Remember last year when you reminded us that you are on a 9-month contract and wouldn’t work over the summer? Now that you’ve taken another job, we wanted to remind you - you are on a 9-month contract that ends on May 31.

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Sun May 07 19:51:50 +0000 2023

We aren’t just not paying your health insurance over the summer, we boxed up your stuff, set the boxes in the hallway, changed the locks on your office door, and moved a post-doc into your office.

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Sun May 07 20:24:34 +0000 2023

Replying to @ass_deans

Also, we aren’t paying for your summer conference travel to Europe. So sorry!

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Sun May 07 20:27:29 +0000 2023

You think the coronation was grand? You should see us install a chancellor!

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Sat May 06 12:15:51 +0000 2023

Calling yourself a Swiftie doesn’t make your students think you are cool, it makes them think you are sad. Very sad.

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Sat May 06 21:32:02 +0000 2023

This week’s lunch and learn doesn’t include lunch. Bring your own.

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Sat May 06 21:50:35 +0000 2023

The baseball coach bets on games. Your colleagues bet on tenure outcomes. And we in the Dean’s office bet on which department we’ll eliminate next year. Just another day at the university.

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Fri May 05 12:39:51 +0000 2023

We heard your complaints that we are unresponsive to faculty concerns. We’ll hold a listening session the week after graduation. Can’t wait to open up this dialogue so you feel heard!

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Fri May 05 12:41:18 +0000 2023

There is no truth to the rumor (yet) that our stats department will be renamed the DraftKings Department of Statistics after a major gift. (FanDuel is still in the running!)

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Fri May 05 15:04:08 +0000 2023

When I say ‘I have heard from many people,’ I mean me and the voices inside my head.

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Fri May 05 15:06:01 +0000 2023

We are sad to announce our efforts to hire a new DEI director failed. The faculty pool was highly qualified, but Women & Gender, African-American, and Hispanic studies faculty couldn’t agree on which candidate was most representative of their diverse constituencies.

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Fri May 05 19:50:25 +0000 2023

Who am I to judge? I am the ASS DEAN, it’s my job!

-- Associate Deans (@ass_deans) Sat May 06 02:02:05 +0000 2023